Yes, AI Can Teach You to be a Better Writer
Image by Dalle-2
You might remember I asked for some student volunteers to test the usefulness of AI.
I was very worried that, as AI is not a brilliant writer of fiction, it would lead to students writing very badly.
So, let’s look at Blue’s learning journey, and what she learned from AI.
Blue
Hello Sir!
I gave the story prompt a try written within 1 hour which is usually the amount of time I have left in this question.
5 things I tried to include based on your post:
1. Using ambitious vocabulary
2. Maintaining the rhythm of the story
3. Natural writing but still sophisticated
4. Show not tell
5. Don’t go overboard with the literary techniques
Prompt: write a story about a time things turned unexpectedly
Bunting was strung across the rooftops like a criminal hanging from the gallows. It fluttered in the weak wind and the rustling of paper, bleached with age, echoed in the silent night. Every house had some semblance of haphazardly thrown together decoration, coupled with patriotic signs and the country’s symbol— a rather pretentious golden eagle soaring into a shimmering sunset— was painted on each door and window with a shaky hand.
However, not a single person in the town displayed them for a celebration— they did it to avoid the noose.
Rowan had been a young boy when the cruel tyrant and his fiendish wife had stormed his homeland. Their soldiers had ravaged his home. They burned his village’s crop and destroyed the water reservoirs so, when the population was weak from malnourishment, they could slaughter them with ease. To further add to the humiliation and pain, they forced every person in their empire to celebrate the days of their conquest. Any that failed to do so before the checks would be viciously murdered and their head displayed on a pike to serve as a warning to other dissidents. Rowan never had a restful sleep after he escaped the genocide; his loved ones screams still echoed in his ears and he would wake up, convinced he was drowning in their blood again, but it was only sweat. He would lament, day and night, for many years as to how the universe could be so cruel to him.
Then, Rowan grew up and realised the universe didn’t care about him any more than the next person. So he allied himself with a powerful criminal gang who taught him how to fight, eventually rising through the ranks and taking the place of the country’s number one assassin. There was no job he wouldn’t complete as long as the price was high enough, of course.
Even today, as he sped through the rows of ordered houses, his mind was furiously conjuring a plan to complete his newest mission.
A rumour had spread throughout the lands: the Emperor’s two children from his first marriage were cursed. Tales of how they disembowelled servants, decorated the walls of their rooms with the corpses of animals, and even guzzled on raw meat which could never sate their never-ending hunger for blood. Rowan was convinced at least half, if not all, of the reports were false, but it wasn’t his role to care. The despot’s second wife had contacted him and ordered him to get rid of the princess and prince discreetly, promising him enough gold and riches to last a lifetime.
However…
As Rowan approached the castle, which glittered in the twilight like shimmering gossamer, he couldn’t shake the feeling that something was wrong. He kept to the shadows that were thrown against the grassy ground as he approached the smallest tower within the block. No sentinels stopped him and no servant bustled about as they prepared for the night. A heavy silence was draped over the atmosphere like a lead shroud, pressing down on Rowan as he stole toward the thick wooden gates. The hairs on the back of his neck raised and he tensed, gripping the twin knives he always kept strapped to his side.
The gates were unlocked.
“This is too easy,” he muttered, shouldering it open. He held his breath as it creaked open, but no guard came rushing out to greet him with weapons. The luscious red carpet muffled his footsteps as he crossed the hallways, plumes of dust erupted with his every step. A layer of grime coated the oil paintings on the wall and a heavy stench of urine permeated the air.
No pictures. He noted with a small frown. No fine clothing, no animal corpses, no toys scattered about. This is not a palace fit for royalty. No, this is more like a prison.
Finally, he reached the last door. A thin stream of light flickered through the crack at the bottom of the door. Rowan replaced one of the knives in his pocket and rest his hand on the cool metal handle, unease pooled in the pit of his stomach. He took a deep breath, pushing the door open and—
A teddy bear flew across the room. It smacked him in the face and landed on the ground with a soft thump.
“Don’t some any closer!” A shrill voice screeched. “I— I’ll hurt you if you do!”
Rowan blinked, dropping his gaze down to the source: a little girl, no older than seven, was huddled in the corner of the room. Her tangled, dirty blonde hair was jagged and stopped just past her shoulders. She glared at him with sharp, golden eyes, arms raised with a stuffed doll in one hand and lion locked and loaded in the other.
“Princess Cassandra?” Rowan blinked, taking in her soiled nightgown— presumably once white— and fierce glower. He squinted at the boy shielded behind her. “Prince Edward?”
“Cass, who is that man?” Edward whispered.
Cassandra snarled, “He’s the bad man who’s going to kill us. Now, stay behind me, Ed. D— don’t approach him.”
Suddenly, the missing pieces of the puzzle shifted and clicked into place. Rowan closed his eyes and groaned. The Empress had fooled him: she wanted him to get rid off the young royal children to make way for her own son to take the throne. Judging by the tremble in the princess’ shoulders and the dire state of the palace, this was not the extent of the Empress’ cruelty.
If there was one thing Rowan hated, it was being taken advantage of.
“Well.” He sighed and took a step forward. The children scrambled back and he paused, raising his hands in surrender. “That was part of the plan. But I don’t feel much like doing it now.”
“So, what?” Cassandra tilted her chin upwards, her hands curled into tight fists by her side until her nails dug bloodied crescents into the calloused flesh. “You’re going to let us go?”
“Unfortunately, I can’t do that. The Empress would not stop until she tracked me down to punish me.” Scratching his chin, an idea popped into his mind and a slow grin stretched across his face. They were young, but seemed to have sharp instincts and a hunger for survival. Weapons forged by grief and rage were the most powerful in the world. “Tell you what, why don’t you both come with me?”
Edward pulled his sister back. His words were shaky and uncertain, “Why would you offer us that?”
Rowan shrugged. “I’ve always wanted kids, and you two seem pretty intelligent.” He pulled out the knives from his pocket, not missing how the children flinched. He flipped them around, offering them the hilt. “So, what do you say?”
The prince and princess looked at each other, then silently accepted the handles.
1143 words
Before you read the AI feedback, give yourself a moment to think what you would improve. To do that, it might help you to grade it:
My Response
Thank you Blue.
As you know, I want to find out if AI can teach students to write well.
Here is the instruction I gave:
This writing is from a student who wants to learn to write a novel.
This is chapter 1.
What advice would you give the student to make sure that this is good enough to be published.
Gemini gives you 3 possible drafts of the advice.
Read through each of them and pick out 3-5 things you want to change in your writing. Ignore everything else.
I will be really interested if this helps you focus, or whether it is just too much advice which is therefore not useful
I look forward to your final piece, which I will mark and grade for you.
Learning Points
Educational research popular in schools focuses on how much information students can take in.
This is called cognitive load. It has lead to many teachers presenting lots of learning in chunks, with lots of scaffolds. This is brilliant for students who know very little.
However, this ignores two other factors which are more important:
We need to see the big picture first.
Once students become good at something, they can pick out the information they need.
I wanted to test this with Blue, so I gave her a lot of feedback. However, the point of this wasn’t that it was all useful.
It gave Blue the chance to choose what seemed relevant to her. It also gave her the chance to ignore what was not relevant.
Which advice would you pick to improve Blue’s writing?
Gemini’s Advice
Draft 1
This is a strong start to a novel, and here's some advice to make it even better:
Strengths:
Intriguing World: The world you've built is dark and oppressive, but with a glimmer of rebellion. It makes the reader want to know more.
Compelling Characters: Rowan is an interesting anti-hero, and the introduction of the young royals adds a new layer of intrigue.
Action and Pacing: The chapter keeps the reader engaged with action and reveals information at a good pace.
Areas for Improvement:
Show, Don't Tell: Instead of saying "cruel tyrant" or "fiendish wife," you could describe their actions or how Rowan reacts to them. This will make the characters come alive for the reader.
Sensory Details: While you use some descriptive language ("bleached with age," "shimmering gossamer"), you could add more details to make the world even more immersive. What sounds does Rowan hear besides the wind?
Internal Conflict: We get a glimpse of Rowan's past trauma, but delve deeper into his internal struggle. What does being an assassin do to him emotionally?
Dialogue: The dialogue with the children is a good start, but you can make it even more dynamic. Give each child a distinct voice and personality.
Additional Tips:
Consider the point of view. Sticking with Rowan's POV keeps the reader engaged with the mystery, but later you might explore the princess's perspective.
Foreshadowing: Plant hints about future events or Rowan's motivations.
Chapter Ending: This chapter has a strong cliffhanger, but consider adding a final line that leaves the reader wanting even more.
Overall, this is a promising first chapter! Keep writing and revising, and you'll have a novel that shines.
Draft 2
This is a strong opening chapter that definitely has the potential to be publishable! Here's some advice to take it to the next level:
Strengthen Imagery:
The bunting description is evocative, but consider adding details to other senses. How does the weak wind smell as it carries the papery scent of the bunting?
You describe silence, but can you describe it further? Is it an oppressive, suffocating silence, or an eerie, waiting silence?
Deepen Characterization:
We get a glimpse of Rowan's past trauma, but can you show, not tell? Instead of saying "he lamented day and night," describe a specific action or internal monologue that reveals his grief.
What motivates Rowan beyond money? Is there a flicker of heroism under the hardened exterior?
Intensify the Stakes:
You foreshadow danger with the unlocked gate, but can you heighten the tension? Describe Rowan's internal conflict - is he scared, surprised, or suspicious?
The reveal of the neglected children is great, but can you add details that emphasize the danger they're in? Perhaps a stale meal tray or a bloodstain on the floor.
Consider Pacing:
The chapter starts slow, then speeds up with the action sequence. Is there a way to weave the backstory into the present narrative for a smoother flow?
Overall:
This is a dark story with potential for complex characters. Don't shy away from exploring the moral ambiguity of Rowan and the desperation of the children.
Keep up the good work with world-building! The details about the forced decorations and the oppressive atmosphere paint a vivid picture.
Here are some additional resources that you might find helpful:
On writing character backstory: https://www.writersdigest.com/write-better-fiction/character
On building suspense: https://writersrelief.com/how-to-build-tension-and-suspense-in-your-writing-writers-relief/
Draft 3
This is a strong start to a novel, and here's some advice to make it even better:
Strengths:
Intriguing World: The world you've built is dark and oppressive, but with a glimmer of hope in Rowan. The forced celebration and punishment for dissent create a chilling atmosphere.
Compelling Characters: Rowan is an interesting anti-hero – a skilled assassin with a troubled past. The children, fierce and protective of each other, add another layer of intrigue.
Action and Pacing: The chapter starts slow, building tension, then picks up speed as Rowan enters the castle. The cliffhanger ending leaves the reader wanting more.
Areas for Improvement:
Show, Don't Tell: Instead of saying "a cruel tyrant," describe his actions or the way people fear him. We can feel the fear in the town's decorations but could feel it even more strongly if we saw terrified townspeople putting them up.
Sensory Details: We can see the bunting and hear the rustling paper, but use more description to immerse readers in the setting. For example, is the wind cold or damp?
Developing Emotions: We understand Rowan's anger from his backstory, but could feel it more if we experienced his nightmares firsthand.
Additional Tips:
Consider POV: Sticking with Rowan's POV keeps the story focused, but shifting to the children briefly could heighten the tension in the scene.
Dialogue: The children's dialogue is a good start, but adding more personality through their unique voices would make them even more engaging.
Overall, this is a promising chapter with a lot of potential. Keep writing and refining your craft!
Blue Improvements:
1. Show more and tell less
2. Developing the backstory through the narrative
3. Develop Rowan’s emotions
4. More sensory imagery when he approaches the castle
My Thoughts
Yes. I am thrilled by this. If I had written those as feedback, Blue might not have worked out what I meant.
But, because she has distilled this from the feedback, she knows exactly what it means to her, and has a really clear plan to help her improve her writing.
When you read her second draft you will see that she has done each of these. The hardest one, which she has struggled with, is ‘Show more and tell less’.
I’ll teach Blue, and you, how to do that in the next post.
Blue’s Review of Gemini’s Feedback
Hello, Sir! Here are my thoughts on the AI feedback:
Pros:
- The advice was broken down nicely with questions that helped to improve the writing e.g. ‘What does being an assassin do to Rowan emotionally?’
- It was simple and easy to understand
- The links were especially useful— I often use Writer’s Digest and it has some fantastic tips
- I like how it picked out specific areas to improve on and also gave a more general overview which can be applied to other writing
- Started with the good things first, which meant I could focus on improving the other aspects of the narrative instead
Cons:
- I felt like some of the advice would work for a long novel, but not so much for a short story. For example, saying to weave in the backstory later is what I would normally do, but time constraints forced me to put it earlier
- At some points, the advice could be seen as contrasting itself: e.g. saying ‘Show not tell’ but then also saying I needed to tell how the character felt when he approached the castle
- At times, the advice felt like something readers or publishers would be looking for rather than examiners. I was told that examiners could read a fantastic story, yet could still give a low mark if it doesn’t fit the mark scheme/criteria, but I could be wrong about this.
My Comment
No, if you write a fist chapter, it will be good enough for the examiner.
The only aspect that you might have to include artificially to meet the criteria is a wide range of punctuation.
Blue’s Improved Story
Bunting was strung across the rooftops like a criminal hanging from the gallows. It fluttered in the weak wind and the rustling of paper, bleached with age, echoed in the silent night. Every house had some semblance of haphazardly thrown together decoration, coupled with patriotic signs and the country’s symbol— a rather pretentious golden eagle soaring into a shimmering sunset— was painted on each door and window with a shaky hand.
However, not a single person in the town displayed them for a celebration— they did it to avoid the noose.
Rowan had been a young boy when the tyrant’s soldiers had ravaged his home. They burned his village’s crop and destroyed the water reservoirs so the malnourished and weakened population were ripe for slaughter. To further add to the humiliation and pain, every person in their empire was forced to celebrate the days of their capture. Any that failed to do so before the checks would be viciously murdered and their head displayed on a pike to serve as a warning to other dissidents.
Rowan never had a restful sleep after he escaped the genocide; his loved ones’ screams still echoed in his ears and he would wake up, convinced he was drowning in their blood again, but it was only sweat. He would lament, day and night, for many years as to how the universe could be so cruel to him.
Then, Rowan grew up and realised the universe didn’t care about him any more than the next person. So he allied himself with a powerful criminal gang who taught him how to fight, eventually rising through the ranks and taking the place of the country’s number one assassin.
Over the years, his hands became more stained with blood that would never be washed away and his portrait was plastered on wanted posters in every province. However, no one could quite agree on how he looked like. Some said he was tall with devilish red eyes and fangs for teeth, others said he was small in stature in order to slip through the windows. Rowan’s ghostly legends spiralled out of control, leading to the public calling him Phantom.
He didn’t care what they called him, as long as the price for each job was high enough. Every crime he’d committed had worn away at his moral compass until he felt nothing more than a dulled sense of satisfaction after completing a job.
Even today, as he sped through the rows of ordered houses, his mind was furiously conjuring a plan to complete his newest mission.
A rumour had spread throughout the lands: the Emperor’s two children from his first marriage were cursed. Tales of how they disembowelled servants, decorated the walls of their rooms with the corpses of animals, and even guzzled on raw meat which could never sate their never-ending hunger for blood. Rowan was convinced at least half, if not all, of the reports were false, but it wasn’t his role to care. The despot’s second wife had contacted him and ordered him to get rid of the princess and prince discreetly, promising him enough gold and riches to last a lifetime. Though he longed to slit her throat, he knew vengeance would have to wait for another day as he accepted the contract.
However…
As Rowan approached the castle, which glittered in the twilight like shimmering gossamer, he couldn’t shake the feeling that something was wrong. He kept to the shadows that were thrown against the grassy ground as he approached the smallest tower within the block. No sentinels stopped him and no servant bustled about as they prepared for the night. A heavy silence was draped over the atmosphere like a lead shroud, pressing down on Rowan as he stole toward the thick wooden gates. The hairs on the back of his neck raised and he tensed, gripping the twin knives he always kept strapped to his side.
The gates were unlocked.
“This is too easy,” he muttered, shouldering it open. He held his breath as it creaked open, but no guard came rushing out to greet him with weapons.
The luscious red carpet covered with soup stains and blood muffled his footsteps as he crossed the hallways, plumes of dust erupted with his every step. A layer of grime coated the oil paintings on the wall and a heavy stench of urine permeated the air.
No pictures. He noted with a small frown, heart hammering against his ribcage. No fine clothing, no animal corpses, no toys scattered about. This is not a palace fit for royalty. No, this is more like a prison.
Finally, he reached the last door. A thin stream of light flickered through the crack at the bottom of the door. By the entrance was a tarnished, grey tray with a few slices of stale bread covered with a colony of mould and a half-full glass of grimy water.
Rowan placed one of the knives in his pocket and rested his hand on the cool metal handle; unease pooled in the pit of his stomach. He took a deep breath, pushing the door open and—
A teddy bear flew across the room. It smacked him in the face and landed on the ground with a soft thump.
“Don’t come any closer!” A shrill voice screeched. “I— I’ll hurt you if you do!”
Rowan blinked, dropping his gaze down to the source: a little girl, no older than seven, was huddled in the corner of the room. Her tangled, dirty blonde hair was jagged and stopped just past her shoulders. She glared at him with sharp, golden eyes, arms raised with a stuffed doll in one hand and lion locked and loaded in the other.
A memory rose to the surface of his mind, like methane rising from a stagnant pond. His own brother and sister standing in front of him while the soldiers broke into their homes. Their wide and frantic eyes as they held back the guards, armed with nothing more than a broken broom. The panic in their voices as they screamed at him to run and never look back.
He gasped, forcing himself back into reality.
“Princess Cassandra?” Rowan tilted his head, taking in her soiled nightgown— presumably once white— and fierce glower. He squinted at the boy shielded behind her. “Prince Edward?”
“Cass, who is that man?” Edward whispered, gripping the edge of his clothes. Rowan couldn’t imagine this boy committing murder any more than he could imagine unicorns existed.
Cassandra snarled, “I’ve heard he’s the bad man who’s going to try and kill us. Now, stay behind me, Ed. D— don’t approach him.”
Suddenly, the missing pieces of the puzzle shifted and clicked into place. Rowan closed his eyes and groaned. The Empress had fooled him: she wanted him to get rid of the young royal children to make way for her own son to take the throne. Judging by the tremble in the princess’ shoulders and the dire state of the palace, this was not the extent of the Empress’ cruelty.
If there was one thing Rowan hated, it was being taken advantage of.
“Well.” He sighed and took a step forward. The children scrambled back and he paused, raising his hands in surrender. “That was part of the plan. But I don’t feel much like doing it now.”
“So, what?” Cassandra tilted her chin upwards, her hands curled into tight fists by her side until her nails dug bloodied crescents into the calloused flesh. “You’re going to let us go?”
“Unfortunately, I can’t do that. The Empress would not stop until she tracked me down to punish me.” Scratching his chin, an idea popped into Rowan’s mind and a slow grin stretched across his face. They were young, but seemed to have sharp instincts and a hunger for survival. Weapons forged by grief and rage were the most powerful in the world. “Tell you what, why don’t you both come with me?”
Edward pulled his sister back. His words were shaky and uncertain, but maintained a hopeful undertone, “Why would you offer us that?”
Rowan shrugged. “I’ve always wanted kids, and you two seem pretty intelligent.” He pulled out the knives from his pocket, not missing how the children flinched. He flipped them around, offering them the hilt. “So, what do you say?”
The prince and princess looked at each other, then silently accepted the handles.
My Marking
Content:
Communication is convincing and compelling - yes
Tone, style and register are assuredly matched to purpose and audience – nearly always
Extensive and ambitious vocabulary with sustained crafting of linguistic devices - yes
Organisation:
Varied and inventive use of structural features – the new flashback works – the exposition is a little clunky
Writing is compelling, incorporating a range of convincing and complex ideas - yes
Fluently linked paragraphs with seamlessly integrated discourse markers - yes
21-24 marks
This would score 23 or 24 – there is just one play where you lapse into the present tense.
But this is over 1400 words long now - too long for the exam!
It is very difficult for the human mind to imagine taking anything away, so when we redraft we simply think of adding stuff, rather than taking away.
There are many psychological experiments to prove this. It is enough for us to know that this feels unnatural, and that we don’t want to take away, even when it is essential.
And it is essential in becoming a brilliant writer.
Even more importantly (for the exam) you need a word count which you can hit in your 45 minutes.
So, that is what I am going to teach you in the next post.
You can find over 20 grade 9 stories here.
Or over 20 examples of stories at all grades written by students in their GCSEs here.
Or you might prefer to describe.
You can find over 20 grade 9 descriptions here.