Write a story about an argument
Grade 8 to Grade 9
Revise from dozens of exam answers at every grade here, just click.
The Task
Write a story about an argument.
What to Look For
Is there a plot which you can believe in? Even a fantasy world needs to make sense. If the setting is the real world, can we imagine such a plot or setting?
Are the language and and imagery telling us things we need to know, in interesting ways, or showing off, even telling us what we really don’t need to know?
The Story
The city roared. It vibrated with an energy which reverberated through the concrete beneath my feet; towering skyscrapers loomed above, their glass facades reflecting fragments of chaos which ensued below. The streets seethed with motion: crowds surged like restless tides, vendors shouted in clipped insistent tones vying to be heard over the din. A cacophony of sounds - a mixture of horns, engines and screams- all fused into one unrelenting roar.
My eyes traversed my surroundings as I looked for an exit out of this hopeless situation. Yet, my efforts were fatuous, as all I could see were cars meandering around the streets, unmoving in a never ending snarl of brake lights.
"We need to get out of here," I complained to my sister, "Mum said that if we're late one more time, we're going to have to clean the whole house!"
She only gave me a mere grunt in response. I detested this; my sister Maya expected me to come up with a solution, expected me to find a way out, while all she did was gaze down impassively at her phone.
What a nuisance.
As anger coursed through my veins, I saw it. Cloistered and secluded, the alleyway was calling out our name, clearly we had to take it to get out of here; it was our beacon of hope, our exit out of this dismal predicament, Anticipation bubbled up my throat as I...
"No." Maya stated.
"What do you mean no?" I demanded, heat flaring through my chest like a ravaging flame. Red hot wrath crackled up my body as my heart pounded through my body like a ceaseless drum. As always, Maya droned on about all the reasons that going through the valley was not a viable option, and as always, I drowned her out.
I straightened my spine and lifted my chest like a soldier preparing for battle. I would prove her wrong. Finally, I would show her how immensely wrong she is. I would win. A new surge of euphoria washed over me, as I left her and entered the alleyway, completely unaware of the huge mistake I'd just made.
The air felt different here - thicker, warmer, almost suffocating in its silence. The narrowness of the alley choked the light, casting long, sinewy shadows across the despondent walls.
Twisting and squirming like living things, the shadows almost seemed alive, almost seemed like they were trying to escape the captivity of the alley. Involuntary, I let out a shudder. Yet, still I continued onward, determined to make it out before my sister.
As I fixed my gaze on the uneven cobblestone path that stretched beneath my feet, a prickling sensation danced across the nape of my neck, the unmistakable warning of an unseen presence. No matter how fervently I willed it otherwise, the conviction that someone (or something) was following me clung to my thoughts like a shadow.
That's when I saw him.
There, in the oppressive darkness of the alleway, stood a figure. Tall, motionless and completely unmoving, he stood like a statue, as though carved from darkness itself. His face was a mask of pale skin pulled too tightly, lips slightly parted to reveal a jagged smile that didn't belong to anything human. His eyes burnt like embers, glowing faintly in the dim light, pinning me in place.
He didn't speak, he didn't move. But, the silence was worse; it pressed against my chest like an invisible dagger, threatening to pierce my soul. I took a step back, then another. My foot touched something and looking down I saw a cat sprawled across the floor, fur marred, eyes staring blankly into the distance.
"Leaving so soon?" His voice was like oil, dark and slippery, clinging to the edges of my mind.
I turned and I ran.
The wind was an icy claw tearing at my skin and I could almost hear the clouds jeering at me, sardonic smiles adorning their faces. With every step I took the world seemed to collapse into darkness, each rogue streetlight spluttered out as I passed it. My breaths came in pants, choked and fatigued but I didn't stop. I couldn't. Behind me, footsteps followed steady and unhurried, as if he knew the chase was futile.
What felt like hours later, I burst out into the main road. Yet, the chaos of the city was gone. No surging crowds. No incessant horns. Nothing. The buildings loomed taller, their shapes jagged and imposing.
In the darkened window before me, I saw him. Standing. Waiting. Smiling
Why hadn't I listened to my sister? That was my last thought as I was pulled into the obsidian depths.
Teacher Grading:
The students’ teacher graded it at AO5 and AO6 = 19+11 = 30
I think AO6 is under marked. There are no punctuation errors, and there is quite a lot of sentence variety.
So, let’s see what Tilf gives it.
The student asked: This was a preplanned story that I tried to modify into whatever came up in the exam. Do you think that's a bad idea?
I recommend it if you are able to adapt it to any question. I think, with this particular story, the answer is no.
Why?
The characters are not clearly defined.
There is no clear plot.
Tilf Feedback
Paragraphs Feedback
The opening paragraph effectively sets the scene, using vivid imagery to convey the energy of the city. To improve, consider incorporating more sensory details to enhance the atmosphere further, such as smells or feelings associated with the environment.
This paragraph transitions well from the setting to the character's perspective. However, it could benefit from more emotional depth regarding the character's feelings about the situation. Adding internal thoughts could create a stronger connection with the reader.
The dialogue here is realistic and helps to develop the relationship between the characters. To enhance this, consider varying the sentence structure to create more tension in the exchange.
This paragraph effectively conveys the protagonist's frustration and determination. To improve, you could elaborate on the reasons behind the sister's reluctance, which would add complexity to her character.
The description of the alleyway is evocative and creates a sense of foreboding. To enhance this, consider using more dynamic verbs to convey the alley's atmosphere and the protagonist's feelings as they enter it.
This paragraph builds suspense well, but it could be improved by providing more context about the protagonist's fears or past experiences that make this moment more impactful.
The introduction of the figure is chilling and well-written. To enhance the tension, consider adding more sensory details about the figure's presence and how it affects the protagonist.
This paragraph effectively conveys the protagonist's panic. To improve, you could include more varied sentence lengths to create a sense of urgency and chaos in the narrative.
The transition back to the main road is effective, but it could be strengthened by contrasting the protagonist's expectations with the reality they face. This would heighten the sense of disorientation.
This closing paragraph is powerful and leaves a lasting impression. To enhance it, consider adding a brief reflection on the protagonist's choices leading up to this moment, which would deepen the emotional impact.
Overall, the essay maintains a strong narrative flow. To improve, ensure that each paragraph transitions smoothly to the next, perhaps by using more connective phrases that link the protagonist's thoughts and actions.
The use of dialogue is effective in revealing character dynamics. To enhance this, consider incorporating more subtext in the conversations, which can add depth to the characters' relationships.
The pacing of the story is generally good, but there are moments where it could be tightened. Review sections where the action slows down and consider whether all details are necessary for the plot.
The emotional stakes are clear, but further exploration of the protagonist's internal conflict could enhance the reader's investment in the outcome. Consider adding more introspection throughout the narrative.
The conclusion is impactful, but it could be more satisfying if it tied back to the initial argument or conflict between the siblings, providing a sense of closure or irony.
What Went Well
The essay demonstrates strong descriptive language and effective world-building, creating a vivid and engaging setting. The tension between the characters is well-established, and the narrative builds suspense effectively, leading to a compelling climax.
Even Better If
To achieve a higher mark, the essay should focus on deepening character development, particularly the protagonist's internal struggles and the dynamics with their sister. Additionally, enhancing the emotional resonance of key moments and ensuring smoother transitions between paragraphs would improve the overall coherence of the narrative.
Overall Feedback
This essay presents a captivating story with a strong sense of place and tension. The descriptive elements are a standout feature, effectively drawing the reader into the narrative. However, to elevate the writing, more attention should be paid to character development and emotional depth, as well as ensuring that the pacing and transitions enhance the overall flow of the story.
Mark
Total: 36
AO5: 22
AO6: 14
If you think Tilf will help you get great grades and useful feedback, the first 5 goes are free. If you love it, use my Promo Code, SALLES10 for a 10% discount.
Well, I feel this is a bit generous with AO5. This is because I hate over the top description.
AI doesn’t. AI writes over the top description. The idea of the best words, in the best order to an AI means hit me with your vocabulary and imagery.
No one ever read a book because they were hit by both those things, repeatedly, and all at once.
Probably examiners do like that kind of stuff, because examiners are mostly teachers who mostly teach the same splatter gun technique - cover everything in techniques, whether they help or not - like adding whipped cream to every desert and then spraying on to your pork chops or roast chicken. Too much of a good thing.
You can read the guide with over 20 model answers here, just click.
Revised Story to Get a Higher Grade
The city roared. It vibrated with an energy which reverberated through the concrete beneath my feet; towering skyscrapers loomed above, their glass facades reflecting fragments of chaos which ensued below. The streets seethed with motion: crowds surged like restless tides, vendors shouted in clipped insistent tones vying to be heard over the din. A cacophony of sounds - a mixture of horns, engines and screams- all fused into one unrelenting roar.
The city roared. Concrete vibrated beneath hurrying feet; skyscrapers loomed, their glass faces reflecting the bustle below. Crowds ebbed like tides, and flowed past stall holders, shouting insistent calls above the din. Horns and engines roared in return.
This makes the circular structure more appealing. The description is dominated by active verbs - the verbs carry the imagery, and so there is no need for the extra flourishes, the extra words which add nothing to the picture.
My eyes traversed my surroundings as I looked for an exit out of this hopeless situation. Yet, my efforts were fatuous, as all I could see were cars meandering around the streets, unmoving in a never ending snarl of brake lights.
I scanned the snarl of brake lights.
This tells us everything that the previous paragraph told us.
"We need to get out of here," I complained to my sister, "Mum said that if we're late one more time, we're going to have to clean the whole house!"
“We need to get home, mum will be worried.”
This seems more plausible to me.
She only gave me a mere grunt in response. I detested this; my sister Maya expected me to come up with a solution, expected me to find a way out, while all she did was gaze down impassively at her phone.
My sister grunted. Maya scanned her phone, her mind checking out of everyday problems.
We can show that the narrator has solve the problem, without saying. Adverbs are rarely as good as a well chosen verb. Get rid of redundant words.
What a nuisance.
This doesn’t fit with the anger. So, it is redundant.
As anger coursed through my veins, I saw it. Cloistered and secluded, the alleyway was calling out our name, clearly we had to take it to get out of here; it was our beacon of hope, our exit out of this dismal predicament, Anticipation bubbled up my throat as I...
We could take the alleyway, narrow and cloistered, safe from cars.
Not much in the paragraph was believable, it was just there to describe with techniques. Redundant words. Because it is safe from cars, it prepares us for being unsafe from dangerous people.
"No." Maya stated.
"What do you mean no?" I demanded, heat flaring through my chest like a ravaging flame. Red hot wrath crackled up my body as my heart pounded through my body like a ceaseless drum. As always, Maya droned on about all the reasons that going through the alley was not a viable option, and as always, I drowned her out.
“No,” said Maya.
My face burned. Her defiance was more personal than her indifference. She began to explain, but I drowned her out.
There’s a little telling here, rather than showing, but we need a reason for him to be angry enough to make a poor decision.
I straightened my spine and lifted my chest like a soldier preparing for battle. I would prove her wrong. Finally, I would show her how immensely wrong she is. I would win. A new surge of euphoria washed over me, as I left her and entered the alleyway, completely unaware of the huge mistake I'd just made.
We already know about the anger. Giving away the mistake now is telling, not showing. Nothing in this paragraph is new - we can work it all out form the paragraph before. Redundant words - get rid of it.
The air felt different here - thicker, warmer, almost suffocating in its silence. The narrowness of the alley choked the light, casting long, sinewy shadows across the despondent walls.
We turned into the silent shadows.
It isn’t likely to get warmer in the shadows, is it. Shadows can be long, but buildings would not have sinewy shadows. It is just there for the alliteration. Is silence ever suffocating?
Twisting and squirming like living things, the shadows almost seemed alive, almost seemed like they were trying to escape the captivity of the alley. Involuntary, I let out a shudder. Yet, still I continued onward, determined to make it out before my sister.
I pressed on, ignoring the growing darkness, Maya struggling to keep up on the cobbles.
Show, don’t tell!
As I fixed my gaze on the uneven cobblestone path that stretched beneath my feet, a prickling sensation danced across the nape of my neck, the unmistakable warning of an unseen presence. No matter how fervently I willed it otherwise, the conviction that someone (or something) was following me clung to my thoughts like a shadow.
First I felt his gaze. My neck prickled in recognition.
It means the same - we can work out it is a warning, that she/he wished no one was there. Show, don’t tell.
That's when I saw him.
That's when I saw him.
There, in the oppressive darkness of the alleway, stood a figure. Tall, motionless and completely unmoving, he stood like a statue, as though carved from darkness itself. His face was a mask of pale skin pulled too tightly, lips slightly parted to reveal a jagged smile that didn't belong to anything human. His eyes burnt like embers, glowing faintly in the dim light, pinning me in place.
Tall, motionless, his face in shadow.
If he is in shadow, you can’t see his face. Carved from darkness is a brilliant metaphor - but unless he is an actual demon in a fantasy novel, it sounds over the top.
He didn't speak, he didn't move. But, the silence was worse; it pressed against my chest like an invisible dagger, threatening to pierce my soul. I took a step back, then another. My foot touched something and looking down I saw a cat sprawled across the floor, fur marred, eyes staring blankly into the distance.
As I passed, he said nothing. At his feet, a black cat sprawled, all matted fur and staring eyes.
The description tells us nothing new - and piercing my soul seems a little unlikely.
"Leaving so soon?" His voice was like oil, dark and slippery, clinging to the edges of my mind.
I turned and I ran.
I turned and ran, Maya spinning as I clattered towards her, sensing my panic.
The figure can’t say ‘leaving so soon’ before the narrator has left. Where is the sister?
The wind was an icy claw tearing at my skin and I could almost hear the clouds jeering at me, sardonic smiles adorning their faces. With every step I took the world seemed to collapse into darkness, each rogue streetlight spluttered out as I passed it. My breaths came in pants, choked and fatigued but I didn't stop. I couldn't. Behind me, footsteps followed steady and unhurried, as if he knew the chase was futile.
I ran, convinced his footsteps followed, steady and unhurried. Still, I ran, panting, but refusing to stop, the cold air catching in my throat.
Less is more - show don’t tell, and get rid of redundant words.
What felt like hours later, I burst out into the main road. Yet, the chaos of the city was gone. No surging crowds. No incessant horns. Nothing. The buildings loomed taller, their shapes jagged and imposing.
We burst back out into the main road. No surging crowds. No incessant horns. Buildings loomed taller, casting longer shadows.
In the darkened window before me, I saw him. Standing. Waiting. Smiling
Yet, across the street, I saw him. Standing. Waiting. Smiling.
Why hadn't I listened to my sister? That was my last thought as I was pulled into the obsidian depths.
Maya took my hand. Something like fire glowed in her eyes.
“I’ve been waiting for this,” she said, and turned her gaze toward him. She roared.
Because this is a first person narrative, we can’t end with the possibility of the narrator’s death.
A better twist is the sister - she now appears more powerful than the figure pursuing them. This man also appears to have some supernatural power, which is now matched by the fire in Maya’s eyes, which may no longer be figurative. We can now be at the start of a fantasy, which the narrator has not yet realised.
I’ve returned to the roar to suggest Maya’s power, and also give me a circular structure.
Read it Again, in One Go
The city roared. Concrete vibrated beneath hurrying feet; skyscrapers loomed, their glass faces reflecting the bustle below. Crowds ebbed like tides, and flowed past stall holders, shouting insistent calls above the din. Horns and engines roared in return.
I scanned the snarl of brake lights. “We need to get home, mum will be worried.”
My sister grunted. Maya scanned her phone, her mind checking out of everyday problems.
We could take the alleyway, narrow and cloistered, safe from cars.
“No,” said Maya.
My face burned. Her defiance was more personal than her indifference. She began to explain, but I drowned her out.
We turned into the silent shadows. I pressed on, ignoring the growing darkness, Maya struggling to keep up on the cobbles.
First I felt his gaze. My neck prickled in recognition. That's when I saw him. Tall, motionless, his face in shadow. As I passed, he said nothing. At his feet, a black cat sprawled, all matted fur and staring eyes.
I turned and ran, Maya spinning as I clattered towards her, sensing my panic. I ran, convinced his footsteps followed, steady and unhurried. Still I ran, panting, but refusing to stop, the cold air catching in my throat.
We burst back out into the main road. No surging crowds. No incessant horns. Buildings loomed taller, casting longer shadows.
Yet, across the street, I saw him. Standing. Waiting. Smiling.
Maya took my hand. Something like fire glowed in her eyes.
“I’ve been waiting for this,” she said, and turned her gaze toward him. She roared.
It’s only 256 words long.
But it’s a much better first chapter of a novel, because we can infer more about the characters and the plot.
Still, it is a little brief, isn’t it. It isn’t missing words.
This is what it is missing - how old they are is unclear - whether the narrator is male or female - why their mother is worried - what they have been doing in town - some more clues as to what sort of world this is. What is the significance of the black cat? What else about his appearance might offer us some clues? Is there something special about Maya that was described earlier, but the narrator was unaware of its significance? Why is mum so worried about the time? What are they doing in the city?
Go back to our tests:
Is there a plot which you can believe in? Even a fantasy world needs to make sense. If the setting is the real world, can we imagine such a plot or setting? - Not really.
Are the language and and imagery telling us things we need to know, in interesting ways, or showing off, even telling us what we really don’t need to know? - Yes.
Let’s Add Some Relevance
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The city roared. Concrete vibrated beneath hurrying feet; skyscrapers loomed, their glass faces reflecting the bustle below. Crowds ebbed like tides, and flowed past stall holders, shouting insistent calls above the din. Horns and engines roared in return.
I scanned the snarl of brake lights. None of this was new. Downtown is always jammed and crowded, but today the vibrant noises, the claustrophobic streets, unsettled me. I couldn’t have explained the change.
“We need to get home, mum will be worried.”
My sister grunted. Maya walked, head bent in fascination with her book, her mind checking out of everyday problems.
We could take the alleyway, narrow and cloistered, safe from cars, crowds and noise.
“No,” said Maya.
My face burned. Her defiance stunned me. I was four years older and my school grades greater than she would ever achieve. She began to explain, but I drowned her out, as I always did. She followed.
We turned into the silent shadows. I pressed on, ignoring the growing darkness, Maya struggling to keep up on the cobbles. Mum wouldn’t be worried, I realised. She hadn’t been expecting us at a particular time - we were just out shopping, a normal Saturday. I had no idea why Maya came with me, every time, her eyes buried in a book, ridiculous fantasies, endless battles between good and evil. She looked up to me, but still.
One alley blended into another. This felt like a mistake. My stomach clenched, and acid flared in my chest. This fear mystified me, but it became urgent. Maya was slow, her book shut now, scanning the shadows. Perhaps she felt it too, and the colder air pressing down us like regret.
First I felt his gaze. My neck prickled in recognition. That's when I saw him. Tall, motionless, his face in shadow. As I passed, he said nothing. His eyes were in shadow, but I was certain they glowed red. At his feet, a black cat sprawled, all matted fur and staring eyes. Some primitive instinct erupted in me.
I turned and ran, Maya spinning as I clattered towards her, sensing my panic. I ran, convinced his footsteps followed, steady and unhurried. Still I ran, panting, but refusing to stop, the cold air catching in my throat.
We burst back out into the main road. No surging crowds. No incessant horns. Buildings loomed taller, casting longer shadows.
We bent, hands on our knees, heaving. I stood up, looked back and saw no-one. I sighed and breathed again. Then, across the street, I saw him. Standing. Waiting. Smiling.
Maya took my hand. Something like fire glowed in her eyes.
“I’ve been waiting for this,” she said, and turned her gaze toward him. Maya roared.
Tilf’s Feedback
The story is as short as I can make it for an exam. Would Tilf give it a grade 9? Yes.
Paragraphs Feedback
The opening paragraph effectively sets the scene, using vivid imagery to immerse the reader in the city environment. To enhance this further, consider incorporating more sensory details that evoke emotions or memories associated with the setting.
This paragraph introduces the characters and their relationship. To improve, you could provide more insight into the protagonist's feelings about Maya's behavior, which would deepen the reader's understanding of their dynamic.
The decision to take the alleyway is a crucial plot point. Strengthen this by elaborating on the protagonist's internal conflict about this choice, perhaps by reflecting on past experiences in similar situations.
This paragraph builds tension well. However, it could benefit from more descriptive language to convey the protagonist's fear and confusion more vividly. Consider using metaphors or similes to enhance the emotional impact.
The introduction of the mysterious figure is effective. To improve, you could add more details about the protagonist's initial impressions of him, which would heighten the sense of danger and intrigue.
This paragraph maintains the tension as the protagonist runs. To enhance clarity, consider breaking up longer sentences for better pacing and to emphasize the urgency of the situation.
The transition back to the main road is well done. However, you could strengthen the contrast between the alleyway and the main road by describing the sounds and sights that greet them upon their return.
This paragraph provides a moment of relief but could be improved by exploring the protagonist's thoughts during this pause. What are they feeling now that they are back in a familiar environment?
The final paragraph is impactful, but it could be more powerful if you included the protagonist's reaction to Maya's transformation. This would add a layer of complexity to her character and the overall conflict.
Consider revisiting the dialogue in this paragraph. Making it more dynamic or revealing could enhance the tension and the stakes of the conflict.
The conclusion leaves the reader with a strong image. To improve, you might want to hint at the implications of Maya's actions, which would create a more thought-provoking ending.
Overall, the pacing of the story is effective, but there are moments where the flow could be improved by varying sentence lengths and structures to maintain reader engagement.
The use of dialogue is appropriate, but ensuring that it serves to advance the plot or deepen character relationships would enhance its effectiveness.
The story's conflict is engaging, but consider developing the backstory of the characters slightly more to provide context for their actions and reactions.
What Went Well
The essay demonstrates strong descriptive language and effective world-building, creating a vivid setting that draws the reader in. The tension builds well throughout the narrative, particularly in the alleyway scenes, leading to a compelling climax.
Even Better If
To achieve a higher mark, the essay should focus on deepening character development and emotional resonance. More insight into the protagonist's thoughts and feelings would enhance the reader's connection to the characters and the conflict.
Overall Feedback
This story presents a captivating conflict set against a richly described urban backdrop. The pacing is generally effective, and the tension is well-maintained. However, to elevate the narrative, greater emphasis on character development and emotional depth is needed. Strengthening the relationships between characters and their motivations will create a more engaging and impactful story.
Mark
Total: 36
AO5: 22
AO6: 14