Here’s a piece of writing which upsets me. It gained a grade 9 at GCSE. It is far too over the top, and I don’t want you to write like this, even though it can score you grade 9.
Student Answer
Life never changes.
As the dry, coughing splutter of the diesel engine dragged the wheels below the commuters of the London train, the vast suburbs slid by them (the same as every other day).
Though the moon had conquered the sky not long ago, London elbowed into the train with a bright presence.
Neon.
A source of light and joy – but not tonight. Not here. Not for this train. As the train trundled onwards, the prying gaze of streetlights and illuminated high-rises assaulted the exhausted observer. Pathetic wails for assistance came from the emergency vehicles, and the honking of horns intruded from the one busted window which wouldn’t close.
Would life always be like this?
Beyond the train breathed an uncaring, unstoppable monster: London. It was an enemy. Nothing less. Trucks screeched angrily on the roads, and crowded, drone-filled tenements jostled the streets like bee-hives. Occasional fools (the young) were happy. It was close to miserable. They were mistaken – they just had to gaze upwards.
Within the oblong, steel train, was a microcosm of London life. Sitting awkwardly on the vilely patterned seating were passengers … But they were barely human, weren’t they?
They were lifeless.
Dead.
Many of these strange creatures had closed their eyes, while many more fought hopelessly to stay alert. Perhaps sleep was better.
Nevertheless, sleep didn’t prevent the harsh, riotous sounds of the monster outside from meeting their ears, uninvited. What allowed this ordinary experience of their miserable living to be so depressing?
Beyond the dark, dilapidated slums, the monster had built a new construction: a cloud catcher. This skyscraper created its own reputation, intrusively attracting clouds against a once cloudless sky, obliterating light with its ungodly form. Circling the ground floor of this construction were numberless screens, pulsating unwelcome products onto the empty gazes of the passers-by.
Spend now! It will fulfil you! Don’t you need this immediately?
How true.
Londoners wanted happiness.
Yet the giant dark shade enveloping the train from the skyscraper did not bring happiness. Condensation dripped gradually across the windows of the carriage like smeared Vaseline. The train’s front had a lone light which was smashed. Silently, the cracked light dimmed, circled by the dazzling, neon lights, as though it was as abandoned as the passengers in the train.
On the horizon, a strange form could be made out. It was a mound. Green, rising from the fields that welcomed the travellers who ended their almost eternal journey.
It was waiting.
Satisfied desire.
It had always been here.
AO5 20
Original AO6 15
You can read all my 26 guides for FREE for 30 days on Kindle Unlimited. It’s the perfect revision tool.
My Commentary
AO5
Ok, let’s start with the positives.
1. The writing is all based around contrast.
2. The student is constantly thinking about using interesting vocabulary.
3. They keep varying the length of sentences.
4. It uses a range of sounds.
5. It uses metaphors and similes.
Convincing 19–21 marks
1-4 above, but not inventive and compelling
Consistent, Clear Communication 16-18 marks
1. Increasingly sophisticated vocabulary
2. A range of successful linguistic devices
3. Effective use of structural features
4. Paragraphs which make sense in the right order
AO6
Level 4: Imaginative and Accurate
13-16 marks
1. Wide range of punctuation is used with a high level of accuracy
2. Uses a full range of appropriate sentence forms for effect
3. Uses Standard English consistently and appropriately
4. No mistakes with grammar
5. Very few mistakes in spelling, including ambitious vocabulary
6. Extensive and ambitious use of vocabulary
These marks are pretty good! But, it is horrible writing.
This is why the AO5 mark is not yet inventive and compelling: it is completely over the top, crammed with descriptions you would never read in a novel.
It actually upsets me deeply that teachers teach description this way. But it is not all their fault – they teach this way because it can lead to good exam grades. So I blame the exam boards.
But I beg you not to do it. The experience will either make you dislike writing, or develop terrible habits which will hold you back.
Tilf.io Agrees With Me!
Level: 3
Overall feedback: The student's work demonstrates a consistent and clear communication of ideas with a strong use of imagery and metaphor to convey the atmosphere of a train journey through London. The tone, style, and register are well-matched to the purpose and audience, with a variety of successful linguistic devices employed throughout.
What went well: The use of vivid imagery and personification effectively conveys the mood and setting of the train journey. The student's ability to create a compelling narrative with a range of developed complex ideas is commendable.
Even better if: To reach a higher level, the student could further refine the connection between the descriptive elements and the central theme of the train journey. Additionally, integrating more varied and inventive structural features could enhance the overall cohesion and impact of the writing.
This is How to Turn it Into Real Writing Scoring 40/40
Here’s the same description, rewritten as it might appear in a novel. (It is also in my Guide).
Paid subscribers get a grade 9 answer every week, and have access to over 60 literature and language grade 9 responses already published.
Evie longed for a better life.
The commuter train left London slowly, dragging itself through the city, crawling towards the suburbs. She had worked late, again. She looked out of the windows dazzled with headlights and neon, caught in the rain. The wailing of an ambulance pleaded to be let through the gridlock outside.
Would life always be like this, she wondered.
She tried to see the scene differently, but London sprang up all around the tracks in gaudy excess. The skyline jostled, full of sky scrapers scarcely a decade old, and a forest of cranes threatened many more.
She turned to the passengers, to see if they were coping any better than she was. But their impassive faces looked grey; the blue light of their phones illuminated them like ghosts. She stopped herself, aware that she was over dramatising the journey.
But, as she scanned the carriage, she counted those with their eyes shut, their mouths going slack. Not dead, but sleeping. But this wasn’t living, was it? It was wishing the time away, longing for somewhere else.
She looked out again, into the London night, and the still lit office blocks passed by. Billboards flashed their desperate messages. Your life is dreary, they said, but all this can change with a whitened smile, a new dress, a slow cruise, Bitcoin…
Annoyed at her inability to think positively, Evie instead looked at her reflection in the rain streaked windows. Lights smeared across the pane like Vaseline. She wondered if anyone had ever described the rain on a window in these words before. It seemed, at last, like a fresh idea.
Outside, the suburbs were creeping into view. Evie pictured a character, suddenly waking up on a train, with no memory of who they were or where they had been. She could see the woman clearly, going home to the suburbs, to a husband and toddler she wouldn’t recognise.
Yes, she had the first line of her novel. She would begin writing it tomorrow, on the slow return journey back to London.
Evie got off the train and smiled for the first time that day.
Tomorrow would be utterly different.
My Commentary
As you can see, it has exactly the same scene and much of the same language and imagery.
Introducing a character makes the description meaningful, and also helps it feel as though it will fit in a novel.
Like the original (and like all good writing), it relies on contrast. But the contrast helps us understand the character as well as picture the scene.
Although it is shorter, it will score full marks.
(My only compromise is making sure that the examiner can’t deduct marks for not using enough punctuation. The semi-colon doesn’t feel as natural as using ‘and’ instead, but I’ve had to include it for that reason. The ellipsis does work, as it suggests that Evie could keep listing the dozens of products being advertised).
It uses 8 similes or metaphors, which fit the story. The previous version uses 14, many of which don’t fit. Go back and see how I have changed them.
Does Tilf Agree With This?
Feedback
Evie longed for a better life.
(This opening sentence sets the scene effectively, establishing the protagonist's desire for change. (AO5))
The commuter train left London slowly, dragging itself through the city, crawling towards the suburbs. She had worked late, again. She looked out of the windows dazzled with headlights and neon, caught in the rain. The wailing of an ambulance pleaded to be let through the gridlock outside.
(The use of verbs like 'dragging' and 'crawling' effectively convey the sluggishness of the train journey, aligning with the protagonist's mood. The vivid imagery of the city at night through the rain-dazzled windows adds depth to the description. (AO5))
Would life always be like this, she wondered.
(This rhetorical question reflects the character's introspection and adds to the narrative quality of the description. (AO5))
She tried to see the scene differently, but London sprang up all around the tracks in gaudy excess. The skyline jostled, full of sky scrapers scarcely a decade old, and a forest of cranes threatened many more.
(The description of London's skyline with 'gaudy excess' and 'jostled' provides a clear and effective image of the city's rapid development, which mirrors the protagonist's sense of being overwhelmed. (AO5))
She turned to the passengers, to see if they were coping any better than she was. But their impassive faces looked grey; the blue light of their phones illuminated them like ghosts. She stopped herself, aware that she was over dramatising the journey.
(The observation of the passengers and the comparison to 'ghosts' illuminated by their phones is a strong visual that contributes to the overall atmosphere of the piece. The self-awareness of the protagonist adds a layer of complexity to the narrative. (AO5))
But, as she scanned the carriage, she counted those with their eyes shut, their mouths going slack. Not dead, but sleeping. But this wasn’t living, was it? It was wishing the time away, longing for somewhere else.
(The contrast between the physical state of the passengers and the protagonist's reflection on what constitutes 'living' is poignant and thought-provoking. (AO5))
She looked out again, into the London night, and the still lit office blocks passed by. Billboards flashed their desperate messages. Your life is dreary, they said, but all this can change with a whitened smile, a new dress, a slow cruise, Bitcoin…
(The external view of the city's nightlife and the internal monologue about the billboards' messages intertwine to create a commentary on consumer culture and personal dissatisfaction. (AO5))
Annoyed at her inability to think positively, Evie instead looked at her reflection in the rain streaked windows. Lights smeared across the pane like Vaseline. She wondered if anyone had ever described the rain on a window in these words before. It seemed, at last, like a fresh idea.
(The introspective focus and the unique simile used to describe the rain on the window showcase the protagonist's creative thought process and add originality to the description. (AO5))
Outside, the suburbs were creeping into view. Evie pictured a character, suddenly waking up on a train, with no memory of who they were or where they had been. She could see the woman clearly, going home to the suburbs, to a husband and toddler she wouldn’t recognise.
(The transition to the suburbs is smoothly handled, and the imaginative leap to a character with amnesia introduces a narrative possibility that adds intrigue to the description. (AO5))
Yes, she had the first line of her novel. She would begin writing it tomorrow, on the slow return journey back to London.
(The revelation of the protagonist's aspiration to write a novel provides a satisfying narrative development and a sense of hope. (AO5))
Evie got off the train and smiled for the first time that day.
(The final sentence effectively concludes the piece, offering a moment of optimism and resolution for the protagonist. (AO5))
Level: 4
Overall feedback: The student's work is highly engaging, with a compelling narrative voice and a convincing tone. The description of the train journey is rich with detail and effectively conveys the protagonist's emotions and reflections. The vocabulary is extensive and the linguistic devices are crafted with care, contributing to the overall impact of the piece.
What went well: The student's ability to create a vivid and atmospheric description of the train journey and the protagonist's inner thoughts is impressive. The use of varied sentence structures and the integration of the character's perspective with the external environment are particularly effective.
Even better if: To further enhance the response, the student could explore additional dimensions of the train journey, such as the sounds and physical sensations, to provide an even more immersive experience for the reader.
Well done Tilf!
You can try Tilf for Free.
Or read all my guides for Free. Try Kindle Unlimited.