The Tricks Which Impress Examiners in Creative Writing

Grade 8 Gothic Writing - thanks Diego, you are a brilliant commenter on my channel

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Diego Bertora – Public comment on YouTube

I’m a teacher. So I read every single comment on my YouTube channel. Usually I try to help. Ofen, like here, the comments help others. Thank you Diego. He wrote:

Hi sir, what score do you think the following piece would be as a paper 1 q5 question about gothic writing?

The Creative Writing

Beams of light flickered through the air, most becoming engulfed by the deep fog. Clouds marched in ranks along the grey sky, ferociously forced forwards by the wind.

Turn right or left?

Only one thought filled Alessandro’s mind: he was lost. As the swarm of ravens flew past, almost taunting him with their perfect orientation and complete liberty, the realisation that he was trapped in this gloomy graveyard slowly sunk in. How ironic, he thought, that there could be so much life around him in a place commemorating the dead. It was tempting to consider whether the ravens embodied what was to come after death for all the souls of the bodies buried beneath him. An odd sense of comfort crept in his mind as he thought of the possibility that his father too could still be more than the decaying flesh which he had come to visit.

Enough thoughts. Remaining in the graveyard any longer was not an option. Alessandro had to find a way out. But how? Any paths which may have been visible on his journey to the graveyard were now encapsulated by the fog. They were not just hard to find; they were gone.

Defiant rays of light, piercing through the seemingly impenetrable cloth of fog were all that could be seen.

The courageous man that he was, Alessandro scarcely panicked. Now was different. Rays of light continued bombarding the blanket of the mist yet somehow not illuminating any more of the surroundings. Uniform dark slabs of concrete, now the only thing left to remember the lives of so many, were all that remained visible. As he scanned what was around him, he was overcome by a sense of hopelessness.

Distorted figures started to form in the mist. Images so uncanny that seeing them was worse than the complete dark.

“Alessandro,” a hushed whisper called.

309 words

Well, I think it is Excellent. Ravens don't swarm and graves aren't made of concrete, so you would need to change that imagery to become an excellent writer.

It's a bit short for me, but not for examiners. It would get an 8 or a 9, depending on the examiner - most likely a 9. I would give it an 8 because it isn’t quite sustained – not long enough.

And because there is one unnecessary paragraph. Can you spot which one doesn’t quite fit what we know?

My Marking

Beams of light flickered through the air, most becoming engulfed by the deep fog. Clouds marched in ranks along the grey sky, ferociously forced forwards by the wind.

Straight in with a personification stolen from either my guide to description or one of my videos. This is totally ok – it is only four words.

It is even more ok, because it is followed by the brilliant alliteration of ‘f’. The choice of ‘f’ (a fricative sound) is always hostile (which is why we say ‘fuck’ – please don’t put that word in your exam!) So, the harsh alliteration perfectly matches the hostility of the weather it is describing.

Also, notice the adverb ‘ferociously’. Normally, the adverb comes after the verb – the cloud was forced forward ferociously. But Diego’s word order makes it much more interesting, and emphasises how ferocious it is.