Imitate Great Writing

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You will learn so much copying great writing.

Let me show you by giving you ChatGPT’s effort:

Prompt

You are a cross between Stephen King, Lee Child and Ernest Hemingway. Write your version of Goldilocks and the 3 bears as a first chapter of a novel.

Chapter One: The House in the Woods

The woods were thick that day. The kind of thick where the light couldn’t make it through the leaves, where the air smelled of wet earth and rotting pine. Goldilocks, if that’s what you were supposed to call her, didn’t mind. She was used to the dark, to the damp. Her father had told her stories about these woods, about how things didn’t always stay where they were supposed to. How things—people—sometimes got lost. But her father had a way of speaking that made you think maybe the only thing you should be afraid of was the wrong sort of man, the wrong sort of company.

But she hadn’t meant to end up in the woods. She hadn’t meant to wander off like that, to let the sun fall, then vanish, behind the thick trunks of oak and pine. Now, the cold bit at her bare arms and the quiet pressed in like the sound of someone breathing just behind you.

She found the house around mid-afternoon, or maybe it was later. She hadn’t been counting. The roof was sagging, the windows covered with grime. It didn’t look like it belonged here, this house. It looked as if it had been shoved in between the trees like a secret, a mistake that hadn’t been cleaned up. But there it was, and she hadn’t seen any other houses for miles.

The door creaked open when she tried it.

Inside, it was warm—too warm for a house like this. It smelled of something cooking, something meaty, with a sharp tang. She stepped in, half hoping someone would shout at her to leave. But no one did. She wasn’t sure if she was relieved or disappointed.

The room was bare except for three chairs—big, sturdy things, made of rough-hewn wood. They looked like they’d been around forever, seen all sorts of things. In the kitchen, a bowl of porridge sat on the table, steam rising in a thick swirl, and next to it, three chairs. Goldilocks wasn’t sure why, but she picked up a spoon and tasted the porridge.

It was too hot. She spat it out, wiping her mouth with the back of her hand. But then, she tried the second bowl. This one was too cold. Her stomach growled, but it was the third bowl that made her pause.

It was just right.

She ate like she hadn’t eaten in days, maybe because she hadn’t. She hadn’t been running from the law or from some man chasing her, not exactly—but she'd been hungry enough to know when to stop. When you get used to hunger, you know where the line is, and you know how to cross it just far enough.

After finishing the porridge, she noticed the chairs again. The big chair with the broken leg. It looked like it could tell stories if you asked. The other was too soft. And then there was the one in the middle. It was just right. She sat down and let the pressure of the day leave her bones.

She closed her eyes.

But she didn’t hear the heavy footsteps behind her, the growls of the bear that lived in the woods. Or the growl of his mate, coming back from the forest to find the smell of porridge on the air.

She didn’t hear anything until the door slammed open, the hinges screaming like a tortured animal. And then, just as she turned to face what was coming, the world went black.

It had been years since anyone had come this way. The bears weren’t used to it. And neither was she.

It’s a First Draft

The average student will take that as a masterpiece and pass it off as their own. It is a great first draft. Certainly good enough for grade 8 or 9, depending on the examiner.

But there is still pointless description, and information which doesn’t add to the story. Work out what they are and change them.

Edit for themes. Edit for ideas.

Send me your best effort, and I’ll publish it here, with my marking and feedback.

You can use Tilf’s feedback - you might find it very useful.

Tilf’s Marking

Paragraphs Feedback

The opening sets a strong tone and atmosphere, effectively establishing the sinister setting. Consider adding more sensory details to enhance the imagery, such as sounds or feelings that contribute to the eerie atmosphere.

This paragraph introduces the character and her backstory well. However, it could benefit from more emotional depth regarding her feelings about being in the woods. Explore her internal conflict or fears more explicitly.

The description of the house is vivid and creates a sense of mystery. To improve, you could include more details about the surroundings that contribute to the sense of isolation or danger.

The introduction of the house's interior is effective. Consider adding more sensory details about the smells and sounds inside the house to enhance the unsettling atmosphere.

This paragraph effectively builds tension as Goldilocks tastes the porridge. To improve, you could elaborate on her thoughts and feelings during this moment to deepen the reader's connection to her character.

The reflection on hunger adds depth to Goldilocks' character. However, it could be more impactful if you included a brief flashback or memory that illustrates her past experiences with hunger.

The description of the chairs is intriguing. To enhance this, consider adding a metaphor or simile that connects the chairs to Goldilocks' emotional state or the overall mood of the story.

This paragraph builds suspense well as Goldilocks relaxes. To improve, you could foreshadow the impending danger more clearly, perhaps by hinting at the sounds of the forest outside.

The introduction of the bears adds a significant threat. To enhance this, consider providing more details about the bears' behavior or the sounds they make to create a more vivid sense of danger.

The climax of the chapter is impactful. To improve, you could slow down the pacing slightly to build more tension before the door slams open, allowing the reader to feel the anticipation.

This closing line is strong and leaves the reader with a sense of foreboding. Consider expanding on the implications of her situation to enhance the cliffhanger effect.

Overall, the chapter effectively sets a sinister tone and engages the reader. To improve, focus on deepening character emotions and enhancing sensory details throughout to create a more immersive experience.

What Went Well

The essay effectively establishes a sinister setting through vivid descriptions and a compelling narrative. The use of sensory details creates a strong atmosphere, and the character of Goldilocks is introduced in a way that piques interest.

Even Better If

To achieve a higher mark, the essay should focus on enhancing emotional depth, particularly in Goldilocks' character, and incorporating more varied sensory details to enrich the setting and build tension throughout the narrative.

Overall Feedback

The first chapter presents a captivating and sinister setting, effectively drawing the reader into the story. The narrative is engaging, with a good balance of description and action. However, to elevate the writing, more attention should be given to character emotions and the use of sensory details to create a more immersive experience.

Mark

36

Grade 9

AO5. 22/24

AO6. 14/16

So, 36 is the first mark in grade 9. Not bad ChatGPT.

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