How to Improve Descriptive and Story Writing
This is an extract from my guide to Question 5 of Paper 1: Descriptive and Narrative writing.
Based on Paper 1 June 2017
The Question
Students had a choice of writing a story about two people from different backgrounds
Or a description of a bus journey, suggested by a picture of people sitting on a bus, at night time. I’ve changed the description to a journey on a train.
Student Answer
I sat in the train returning home, trapped by passengers from every part of the city. The train was mainly full of men with their over filled rucksacks and their newspapers. The carriage started to get crowded, which made me angry as I am quite large. I usually end up sitting next to a shy, embarrassed teenager. Today, no one sat next to me.
Then a fat woman came down the aisle.
“Damn it,” I thought, as I imagined her route. She would sit with me. She began to wobble slowly toward my seat, so I glared at the view of the peaceful countryside and folded my arms.
It was Saturday, so the train was crammed with passengers getting drunk. The carriage was filled with laughter and chatter.
Just then the train passed something strange. A woman wearing black on a ladder.
She suddenly climbed into a window. Was that her house? I had to get off the train, but was trapped by the wobbling woman. I pushed my way to the exit, but her great lump was like a pudding to push by.
I gradually gave in and stayed in my seat. I had to do something. I tried to be more confident.
“I’d like to get off the train please,” I said loudly.
Her knees cracked and creaked as she stood up. I got to the door while we were still at the station. Then the train pulled away.
I found the exit and began to run to the house with the ladder. It was at least half a mile so I paced my speed.
A few minutes later, I arrived at the house. I could see a light moving in the house, searching for something. Why was I the only one who noticed? I wondered.
Then the woman came down the ladder carrying a large case. I shuffled into the garden hoping not to be seen.
319 words
AO5 13
Original AO6 9
This is just into grade 6.
For AO5, 13 is 54%. This is one mark into Level 3!
My Commentary
AO5
The writing does all of the following:
Trying to use interesting vocabulary
Some use of linguistic devices
Some use of structural features
Some use of paragraphs
Which one of these does the student do best? It is the paragraphing, which lifts it one mark into the next band. This is what the student needs to do next.
Increasingly sophisticated vocabulary: the easiest way to do this is simply to start each sentence with a different word.
A range of successful linguistic devices: this means the big five: simile, metaphor, personification, alliteration and sibilance.
Effective use of structural features: the weakness here is that the ending is rushed, so there is no point to it.
The other issue is that it happens at random. It would have been far easier to introduce someone suspicious on the train, who the narrator follows to the platform – with a twist – perhaps the narrator switches bags with them, and turns out to be a criminal. This can be difficult to write though.
So the easiest way to introduce structural features is to introduce the character’s thoughts and memories. The second easiest is to use contrast.
AO6
The original writing did all of these:
Some control of a range of punctuation
Attempts a variety of sentence forms
Some use of Standard English
Some mistakes with tenses or plurals
Some accurate spelling of more complex words
Varied vocabulary
They moved into the next band because there were no mistakes with tenses and plurals.
The easiest way to move up the mark scheme would be to focus on:
A range of punctuation is used, mostly accurate.
The best way to do this is to be quite mechanical about it – make sure to use one of these in every bit of writing: colon, question mark, ellipsis, exclamation mark. It is more difficult, but essential, to learn to use commas properly.
Uses a variety of sentence forms for effect.
Well, you know this by now: start as many sentences as you can with a different word. Notice that using the 4 pieces of punctuation in point 1 will also automatically vary your sentence forms! Win, win.
If you would like to read numerous answers at all grades, with advice like this, you can find it in my guide to question 5 on Amazon.
But, you can read every single one of my guides, free for 30 days, with Kindle Unlimited.
Tilf.io
Let’s test Tilf.io to see if it agrees with the mark.
Feedback
I sat in the train returning home, trapped by passengers from every part of the city. The train was mainly full of men with their over filled rucksacks and their newspapers. The carriage started to get crowded, which made me angry as I am quite large. I usually end up sitting next to a shy, embarrassed teenager. Today, no one sat next to me.
(This paragraph sets the scene effectively, but be mindful that the task was to write about a bus journey or a story about two people from different backgrounds. The train setting does not directly address the given prompts. (AO5))
Then a fat woman came down the aisle. “Damn it,” I thought, as I imagined her route. She would sit with me. She began to wobble slowly toward my seat, so I glared at the view of the peaceful countryside and folded my arms.
(The description of the woman is clear, but consider using more sensitive language to describe characters.
The narrative could be enhanced by exploring the backgrounds of the characters to align with the prompt about a story of an unlikely friendship. (AO5))
It was Saturday, so the train was crammed with passengers getting drunk. The carriage was filled with laughter and chatter. Just then the train passed something strange. A woman wearing black on a ladder. She suddenly climbed into a window. Was that her house? I had to get off the train, but was trapped by the wobbling woman. I pushed my way to the exit, but her great lump was like a pudding to push by.
(The paragraph introduces an intriguing element with the woman on the ladder, which could be developed further for narrative interest. However, the language used to describe the woman in the aisle is again insensitive and should be revised.
The narrative does not clearly establish a connection to the themes of an unlikely friendship or a bus journey. (AO5))
I gradually gave in and stayed in my seat. I had to do something. I tried to be more confident. “I’d like to get off the train please,” I said loudly. Her knees cracked and creaked as she stood up. I got to the door while we were still at the station. Then the train pulled away.
(This paragraph shows the protagonist's attempt to take action, which is good for character development.
However, the story still does not align with the given prompts, and the opportunity for developing a narrative around an unlikely friendship is missed. (AO5))
I found the exit and began to run to the house with the ladder. It was at least half a mile so I paced my speed. A few minutes later, I arrived at the house. I could see a light moving in the house, searching for something. Why was I the only one who noticed? I wondered. Then the woman came down the ladder carrying a large case. I shuffled into the garden hoping not to be seen.
(The conclusion of the narrative introduces a sense of mystery and urgency, which is engaging.
However, the story's connection to the prompts remains unclear, and the potential for exploring an unlikely friendship has not been realized. (AO5))
Level: 2
Overall feedback:
The narrative contains some clear descriptions and introduces an element of mystery, but it does not address the prompts provided in the question.
To improve, ensure that the story aligns with the given prompts and consider the development of characters and their backgrounds to create a more relevant and engaging narrative.
Additionally, be mindful of using sensitive language when describing characters.
What went well: The descriptions of the setting and characters are clear, and there is an attempt to create a narrative with a sense of mystery.
Even better if: The story would be improved by directly addressing the prompts, either by describing a bus journey or by crafting a narrative around an unlikely friendship.
Additionally, using more sensitive language to describe characters and further developing their backgrounds would enhance the story.
Tilf is Probably More Accurate Than Your Teacher
I’ve tested it with 24 Question 5 answers which have graded by the senior examiner.
Tilf got 17 spot on.
It penalised 6 students who did not do exactly what the question asked, or who punctuated and spelled badly.
So, 6 out of 24 were given a slightly lower mark than the senior examiner gave. 1 was given a slightly higher mark.
How does this compare to a real examiner? Well, real examiners will only award the same grade as a senior examiner 50% of the time. Your teacher is probably less likely to agree with a senior examiner.
For example, this answer scored 22 out of 40 in the real exam.
But two examiners awarding it 18 or 26 would also be allowed! So, it could have scored any mark between 18 and 26. Those marks go from grade 5 to grade 7!
Tilf is way more accurate than that.
So, if you want to see how to improve your writing, give Tilf.io a go. Your first answer is FREE.