Grade 8/9 Creative Writing Explained
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The Exam Answer
(I think the student wanted to be anonymous - let me know if I am wrong - I can’t find who sent it in)
The glaring clouds massed in the sky, blocking the meagre light which escaped from the winter sun. Moving across the faint beams of light, the army of clouds marched in time with the gusty winds like weary war veterans approaching their final battle. The colours of the clouds varied enough to create distinct figures: charcoal grey mushrooms; gunmetal streaks; and slate bulges.
Underneath the threatening sky lay the forgotten park. Its circular paths and carefully placed flower beds alluded to a once glorious past. A time when the community -rich and poor, young and old- would walk across the majestic lawns and admire nature's work. The park would be full of ecstatic children begging parents to go towards the playground, and loving couples would be interlocking arms, creating an aroma of closeness and unity within the park. But now, the park was largely ignored. Its paths were abandoned; the rust on the playground symbolised the years of neglect it faced.
Sitting quietly on a park bench, the elderly man threw chunks of bread to the eager ducks overlooking the crumbs falling on his frayed shoes. There was only one thing he ever desired: company. As the ducks clumsily barged into each other to attack the largest crumbs, smaller sparrows glided down from nearby trees to snatch the minute remnants of bread left behind. At this explosion of noise, the man's mouth shifted upwards forming the briefest of smiles. However, this tiny movement of facial muscle was wiped away. The man realised the more bread he threw, the closer he was to running out. He knew the birds weren't his companions; when there was no more food they would inevitably fly away as if he never existed.
As the last birds disappeared into the trees, the man vacated the silent bench, rose and walked to the other side of the park. He spotted a lone man pushing his son on a bike. The boy's joyful shrieks filled the air as he desperately tried to go as fast as possible without toppling over. He was too young and too involved in his adventure to notice the strange mixture of fear and pride across his father's face as he realised his son began eddying away towards his independence.
But the old man noticed his anguish.
He remembered the day his own son left for university. Full of enthusiasm and energy his son vowed to return home whenever he could. At first, the visits were frequent but with every year they became scarcer and scarcer. Eventually, the visits were replaced by texts, calls, and soulless video messages. Peering at a screen was the closest they got to each other.
The clouds advanced further in the sky. A large drop of rain fell and the frail man gazed up at the blackening horizon. He ambled towards the exit. Not rushing nor hurrying home. He knew there was no need to race back to a desolate house.
Sentence Variety
Are your sentences interesting? The easiest way to force them to be is to try to start each sentence with a different word. There are too many that begin with ‘the’ and perhaps too many with ‘he’, but not noticeably.
But, there are many sentences which start with a verb - those are always exciting.
Description or Story
What I love about this approach is that the examiner would accept it as either the answer to a description question, or a story question.
The key is to have a character, which allows you to use flashback, contrast and the character’s thoughts. And a really tight time frame (this is maybe 5 minutes of real time in the park).
So, you can prepare two character this way, one young, one old, for the exam and know that one of them will fit every question that can possibly come up.
We need to concentrate on these 5 things:
Show, don’t tell
Get rid of adverbs and replace them with better verbs
Use consistent imagery, don’t mix metaphors
Develop this excellent contrast
Develop this excellent pathetic fallacy
Let’s See What’s Great and What to Improve
The glaring clouds massed in the sky, blocking the meagre light which escaped from the winter sun. Moving across the faint beams of light, the army of clouds marched in time with the gusty winds like weary war veterans approaching their final battle. The colours of the clouds varied enough to create distinct figures: charcoal grey mushrooms; gunmetal streaks; and slate bulges.
Great use of the imagery in Exposure to make it your own.
Great use of metaphor and simile to describe the clouds and their actions.
A descriptive list is always cool.
But, Show, Don’t Tell
This means, don’t tell us what we can already work out for ourselves.
Let me rewrite the paragraph as little as possible, to show you.
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Glaring clouds massed in the sky, blocking the meagre light of the winter sun. They marched across the faint beams of light, keeping time with the gusty winds like weary war veterans approaching their final battle. Each cloud created a distinct figure: charcoal grey foot soldiers; gunmetal streaks in ranks and slate black bulges.
Notice the changes I had to make in the last sentence - your imagery has to belong together. Introducing an army of mushrooms turned the description into a comedy! They had to go.
Underneath the threatening sky lay the forgotten park. Its circular paths and carefully placed flower beds alluded to a once glorious past. A time when the community -rich and poor, young and old- would walk across the majestic lawns and admire nature's work. The park would be full of ecstatic children begging parents to go towards the playground, and loving couples would be interlocking arms, creating an aroma of closeness and unity within the park. But now, the park was largely ignored. Its paths were abandoned; the rust on the playground symbolised the years of neglect it faced.
This is very good.
Great writing always uses contrast. Past and present are contrasted brilliantly here.
I’m so pleased the student didn’t tell us what the sounds were - ‘ecstatic children begging’ is a perfect show, don’t tell. Because we can imagine the sound straight away. We don’t need to be told what we already know.
The last sentence fails the show don’t tell test. Try it like this: It’s paths were empty; the playground equipment still, turning to rust.
Sitting quietly on a park bench, the elderly man threw chunks of bread to the eager ducks overlooking the crumbs falling on his frayed shoes. There was only one thing he ever desired: company. As the ducks clumsily barged into each other to attack the largest crumbs, smaller sparrows glided down from nearby trees to snatch the minute remnants of bread left behind. At this explosion of noise, the man's mouth shifted upwards forming the briefest of smiles. However, this tiny movement of facial muscle was wiped away. The man realised the more bread he threw, the closer he was to running out. He knew the birds weren't his companions; when there was no more food they would inevitably fly away as if he never existed.
Oh, there is a lot of telling in this paragraph. Partly that is because the student is desperate to cram in adjectives and adverbs. But, if this feels forced, it ruins good writing.
Adverbs in particular should be replaced by better verbs.
Let me show you again:
Alone and silent on a park bench, an elderly man threw chunks of bread to the eager ducks, crumbs falling on his frayed shoes. Ducks barged and wobbled into each other, attacking the largest crumbs, while sparrows swooped to snatch the tiny remains. At this explosion of noise, the man's mouth shifted upwards, forming the briefest of smiles, wiped away with a thought. The more bread he threw, the closer he was to running out. He knew the birds weren't his companions; when there was no more food they would fly from him.
As the last birds disappeared into the trees, the man vacated the silent bench, rose and walked to the other side of the park. He spotted a lone man pushing his son on a bike. The boy's joyful shrieks filled the air as he desperately tried to go as fast as possible without toppling over. He was too young and too involved in his adventure to notice the strange mixture of fear and pride across his father's face as he realised his son began eddying away towards his independence.
Brilliant use of contrast again - young and old, fear and pride, a couple and an individual.
“Eddying away”. What a marvellous verb choice. It reminds me of ‘Walking Away” in the Love and Relationships anthology.
Let’s look at verb choice and show, don’t tell in this: as he desperately tried to go as fast as possible without toppling over.
‘as he pumped his pedals, tottering and tipping on his spinning wheels.’
But the old man noticed his anguish.
He remembered the day his own son left for university. Full of enthusiasm and energy, his son vowed to return home whenever he could. At first, the visits were frequent but with every year they became scarcer and scarcer. Eventually, the visits were replaced by texts, calls, and soulless video messages. Peering at a screen was the closest they got to each other.
This whole paragraph is build on contrast - the two sons, the two fathers, the past and the present.
The first paragraph makes us really sympathetic. Displaying it as one sentence really fits with the emotion of anguish.
The clouds advanced further in the sky. A large drop of rain fell and the frail man gazed up at the blackening horizon. He ambled towards the exit. Not rushing nor hurrying home. He knew there was no need to race back to a desolate house.
Beginning and ending with the focus on the weather gives this a neat circular structure.
But, it also helps us feel the change to rain as pathetic fallacy, the perfect reflection of the old man’s feelings.
I also love the way the imagery is consistent - no more ridiculous mushrooms: the clouds keep their military feel as they advance.
The last line is unnecessary - we already know he lives alone, and because he is not rushing, we know he feels no need to race.
A better ending would continue with the contrast and pathetic fallacy:
Father and son sped past him, the boy shrieking in excitement at the rain, yearning for puddles, splashing of feet and far off thunder.
This contrasts the two sons and also makes us ask what the coming thunder might reflect: a deterioration in the old man’s life, or the future for this son and father, with this boy also leaving his father behind.